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From My Womb to an Angel on November 8th, 2004

July 22, 2011

As promised my very personal and emotional post. Please remember I am bearing my soul and feelings here. I must also tell you the story I am about to share,  I have never been afraid to share or discuss with anyone, yet choose who and who not to share it with.  I feel sharing our story has led to healing and as much understanding as we can possibly have. Due to this story being so emotional and personal it did take a while for me to come up with the words to express these feelings and I apologize if this story become long.

I was planning to do this post on November 8th, but God had other plans.  My friend who writes Joy Filled Living challenged us (in a very nice loving way) to share our story to help end the silence.  This is very important to me since a miscarriage is still a loss of a baby.  Below is our story of our beautiful Angel that was never in our arms, only in my womb and will be always in our hearts and lives.

In July 2004, Mike and I decided it was time to expand our family. I was mentally prepared for a long road of trying to conceive (TTC).  I spent years trying to convince my gynecologists that I needed to have infertility testing.  My monthly cycles have never been regular and most doctors said no need to test until after 12 months of TTC with no success. I know for sure I would have complications, yet no doctor would believe me, until 2005. Read the rest of the story to hear why my cycle are irregular.

After two months of TTC, I was completely shocked and speechless (for those who know me that will be a shock) for a moment.  I WAS PREGNANT!  I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to shout it from the mountain tops.  Mike was over the moon too, of course and we did tell a lot of people.  I know you are probably thinking that was your first mistake.  Sorry but for me no matter the end result, I felt there was no reason to keep it quite until I was so far along.  Yet this is a decision that many do not share and that is okay, that is your decision, for us we just shared the good news as soon as possible.  We even mailed letters to our families from the baby announcing the fact he/she was going to arrive in about 9 months.  Everyone was super excited!

A couple of weeks later we went to the local King Frost Parade (October 29th)and had a wonderful night.  When we arrived home, I discovered I had some spotting.  As most of you know that is not a good sign during pregnancy, yet for some woman that can be normal.  I immediately called my mom and she said call my doctor.  I was a patient of a large OB/Gyn practice that many of my friends used and recommended.  The doctor on the phone asked me a bunch of questions that are typical of a miscarriage and basically suggested that I just wait it out for another week since I had no other symptoms of a miscarriage other than the spotting.  I did not like his opinion and said I will be in the office on Monday morning.

Monday Morning (November 1st) rolled around and I scheduled an appointment for later that day.  I was praising  God that since Friday night I had no other spotting or symptoms of a miscarriage.  My best friend attended the appointment with me.  I was scared like crazy to go and yet I knew that most likely everything will be fine since nothing else happened.  I arrive at the appointment with my best friend for support.  After all the check in paper work, I was taken for my ultrasound.  My heart sank, no heartbeat and no baby to be seen, yet everything looked normal.  After meeting with the doctor we came to the conclusion with my irregular cycles it was very possible I was earlier than I thought I was.  He also said after the internal exam he believed everything felt normal and I probably was not miscarrying.  With that being said I felt better, I was thinking I wasn’t far enough along to see the heartbeat or baby on their ultrasound, the spotting was a fluke.  We scheduled a follow-up doctor appointment for the following Monday.  The rest of my week went well and I had no other complication.

That week was a very long week.  Monday morning (November 8th) I went to my follow-up appointment.  The doctor was sure that we would see a heartbeat this time.  I planned to go to this appointment alone, yet my mom insisted on attending with me.  As before I went for my ultrasound.  My mom came along hoping to see her first grand-baby’s heartbeat.  After a couple of seconds we knew immediately something was wrong.  The ultrasound tech is not speaking and even turned the monitor away from us.  Then she sent us to my exam room.  The doctor came in and did an internal exam and then asked me to get dressed.

After I was dressed, I returned to the exam table to see my chart on the table.  In fluorescent yellow highlighter I read: “No viable pregnancy found. Partial Molar pregnancy found.”  I will never forget the feelings I had at that very moment.  I felt like I seriously could hear my heart-break in a thousand pieces.  Then I told my mom.  My mom has experienced a miscarriage as well and knew exactly how I felt. With her now besides me the doctor returns.  She goes on to explain the details of a partial molar pregnancy and that the baby can not survive, the seriousness of it and that I need to undergo a D&C Procedure.  If untreated could form into a rare form of cancer.

As she is explaining all the details, I had three questions.  Number one: Did I loose my baby already or is he/she still alive?  Number two: Is this D&C going to be an abortion?  Number three: Am I in any health risk?  Thankfully all I had to do is look at my mom and she knew what three questions to ask.  We were told that the D&C is necessary before the I am at risk of cancer.  With that being said it is very important for you to understand I am extremely Pro-Life.  At that time I would have  put myself at risk to save my baby.  (Currently as a mom I am not sure what I would do and it is something I struggle with to this day.  But that is for another post in the future.)

My mom clarified with the doctor that the D&C was not an abortion by clearly stating that we are pro-life Christians.  The doctors only reply to this question/statement was “Nature isn’t perfect and neither is God”.  WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Come on really you just said that was my first thought, second was I can’t believe my mom did not deck the her, lastly was really that is your bedside manner?  And then the appointment was over.  We scheduled the D&C for that Thursday.

As you can imagine our hearts where shattered and we still had a million questions.  At that point we still were not convinced we received proper answers to our top three questions.  Thankfully my mom had many connections in the Pro-Life medical world.  She immediately went to work making call after call.  After talking to several nurses and one OB, we where able to feel the D&C was not an abortion and was my only option for my health.

Then I had to make a phone call to Mike and tell him the news.  Mike took it better than I expected and honestly I wished he took it harder.  I felt like he just didn’t care.  I decided it was best to use some vacation and stay home from work for the week.  I knew my mind would not be in it and the doctor told me to rest.  I spent the next several days trying to not think about what was going to happen on Thursday.  I had to just be able to deal with my grief.

Then it was Thursday, November 11th, the day of the D&C, Mike and my best friend went with me.  I finally read my card to know where I needed to go in the hospital to only find out I needed to go to Labor & Delivery (L&D).  Are you kidding me?!  I need to walk into L&D where woman are giving birth to not by my choice end my first pregnancy.  I wasn’t sure if I could do it, yet I knew I had no choice.  We arrived at the hospital and praised God that there was only one woman in labor and I did not have to be surrounded by several woman giving birth.  The nurses prepped me and then informed me I would have to walk to the OR, get up on the table, watch them strap my arms down on the table and put my own legs in the stirrups.  Again are you kidding me?  I am telling you this was all starting to seem unreal.  Not because of the loss of my baby, but the fact I had to do all this during the grief.  Well that is exactly what happened and then I was finally given my anesthesia.  From that point the only thing I remember is waking up in recovery.

The D&C procedure went well and there where no complications.  The doctor confirmed I was 9-10 weeks pregnant and the pregnancy was a partial molar pregnancy.  My follow-up appointment was a week later.  I returned to work that Monday (November 15th).  During this time I felt like I was watching my life through a window, I could not believe this was happening.  To go from complete joy to total heartache in a matter of a couple of weeks is unreal.  Mike was very understanding of my emotions.  I just wish he would show his, he did not show any emotions over the loss of our baby.  I assumed that it did not bother him.

I went to my follow-up appointment and found that everything went well during my D&C and the testing they did on what was removed confirmed everything we suspected.  To this day I wish I would have thought enough to ask if the baby was a boy or a girl.  I was informed to make sure they where able to remove all the cells, I would need to have blood drawn weekly to monitor my hCG levels.  It was very important they continued to drop until they read no longer pregnant.  If they did not there was a good chance some of the cells have traveled outside my uterus.  I was also informed that we could not TTC again for six cycles after my hCG levels are normal.

Every Monday for seven weeks I had to have my blood drawn.  There was a week or two that I had to have it drawn twice, due to no change in my levels from the week before.  My arms where so sore and bruised that the last week or two they took blood from my wrist area. I was thankful it was winter time and I could wear long sleeves.  After seven weeks my levels read no longer pregnant.  I wish I could say this was the end of the story, but it is not.

During this time many people tried telling me it was for the best or that there must have been something wrong with the baby etc… What most people did not know was yes there was something wrong with our baby and that is why we lost out baby, God made this decision not us.  There was a lot of people who only knew that we miscarried and those are the people who irritated me the most.  To be very honest if our baby had something wrong but could have lived I would have had the baby.  I did not care if there was something wrong with him/her, I just wanted my baby.  To this day I still wish this baby was in my arms.  I know that no other baby/child would replace him/her.  I just wish I had three babies instead of two.  Not three as in one more after Thomas (my youngest), just wish our Angel was here with us no matter if he/she was healthy or had a disability.  We just have to trust that God decision was right.  He makes no wrong decisions.  I take peace today knowing that I will see this little boy or girl when I enter heaven.  He/she will be standing right next to my brother/sister waiting to welcome me to heaven, along with God, Jesus, the angels and whatever family happens to be there.

Mike and I bought a house in July 2005 and it caused me to find a new OB/Gyn.  Once I found a doctor, I had to have my records transferred.  I picked up my records and I made a copy for myself.  I read them to only find that I was informed incorrectly of several things.  Remember the doctor who told me everything felt normal and he did not believe I was miscarrying.  Well he wrote in his report that the sac felt irregular and that he believed I would miscarry.  I know they can’t tell you everything but he did not have to tell me everything was ‘normal’.  Next I found out I had a D&E procedure.  I clearly remembered all the papers I read said I was going to and did have a D&C, not a D&E.  I also understand things change sometimes in the OR, but why did all the paperwork stat D&C not D&E including my discharge papers.  Why did the doctor tell me at my follow-up appointment my D&C went well.  I am not upset that I had a D&E instead of a D&C, I just felt they should have told me.

I finally found an amazing doctor who after my first visit was more than happy to do infertility testing.  He was very shocked to find that they did not do testing to see why I had a molar pregnancy, especially since I have had irregular cycles.  He scheduled my blood work and found that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).  Those with PCOS is a greater chance of a Molar pregnancy according to him.  A molar pregnancy typically happens 1 in 1,000 pregnancies, add PCOS and it become 1 in 100.

My doctor than decided it was time to start infertility treatments.  December 22nd, 2005, I took my very first infertility drug called Clomid.  Praise God, this drug worked and on the first round.  Still against the odds, I was pregnant again.  I will get into this story more on Alaina’s birthday.  September 24th, I gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl, Alaina.  Our second baby, but first-born.  After Alaina was born Mike told me how hurt he was from our miscarriage and apologized for not showing it when it happened.  He felt he needed to be strong for me.

‘Now faith is being sure of what we hope for,
being convinced of what we do not see.’
 – Hebrews 11:1

‘For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.’ – Psalm 139:13-16

These two verses have always been two of my favorite. I never knew how special they would become to me during our time of trying to conceive, while I grieved and during my next two pregnancies. I had to have faith we would heal from our miscarriage and faith we would have beautiful children in the future. I continue to have faith God created a beautiful baby that he for some reason felt served his/her life here in my womb long enough after only 9-10 weeks.

As I dealt with grief I decided it was very important to acknowledge our baby.  I did not want to hide the fact I had a miscarriage and I wanted my children to know about their brother/sister.  In our house I get a yearly Christmas ornament engraved with our last name and year on them, every year.  I also intended on getting each of our children an ornament for their first Christmas.  I decided to have an ornament for our Angel.  Things Remembered just so happen to have a beautiful ornament perfect for us that year.  It was a little angel decorating a Christmas tree.  I had them etch: Our Angel, November 8, 2004 on it.  Every year I personally hang this ornament on the tree.  As I do this I reflect on our baby and how much we love him/her even if he/she was never more than in our womb.  I explain the ornament to the kids and they both hug as if they understand.  This time is still very emotional for me, but instead of tears pouring out I find I have joy knowing that at least he/she is where he/she is being taking care of better than I can.  I know that he/she is safe and having a blast with his/her uncle/aunt and everyone else in Heaven.  Yet I still have my moments of sadness when I allow myself to think selfishly that he/she should be here have turned 6 this past May.

Not a day goes by that I do not thank God for my three children, especially the two I get to hold.  Since we do not know the exact date or baby passed away we have chosen November 8, 2004 as the day our little baby became and Angel in heaven.  This is the day we where informed that we lost our baby.

If you have miscarried, I am so sorry for your loss and pray for the healing of those who still need healing.  My heart breaks for everyone who has ever miscarried.  If you want to share your story to help end the silence, please join me by linking up or posting a comment on Joy Filled Living’s post: Miscarriage: Sharing, Healing, and Celebrating Even the Shortest Little Lives.  You are also very welcome to share your story here in the comments on my blog.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Aliah Ammon permalink
    July 22, 2011 2:17 pm

    Just think of all the ruckus our two angels are causing up there with God. It’s sad that you had a crappy OB for your miscarriage, I know that feeling all too well. But one thing that keeps me going is that I have my very own angel watching over me and you do too. Not many people can say that!!! Love you!!!

  2. July 22, 2011 2:54 pm

    Thank you for so honestly sharing your difficult story, Kari!

    • July 22, 2011 3:01 pm

      Though it is hard, I believe strongly woman need to start standing up and telling the honest truth about miscarriage. It might help people to understand there is nothing you can do and it is 100% okay to feel the grief and to allow yourself to grief. If more women shared their story and feelings then more women will feel less alone.

  3. July 22, 2011 7:49 pm

    Thank you so much for you openness! As you already know, I’ve recently gone through a miscarriage and here is my story:

    I already have an amazing little boy and we were not ‘trying’ to get pregnant but I also haven’t used any contraceptive since before I got pregnant with that little boy. The pill just has side effects for me and my husband and I, I guess, without actually putting it this way, choose to leave it in God’s hands. However, there are lots of women in our lives that are expecting and I always thought my kids would be about 3 yrs apart (just like my brother and I) and I’ve been itching to try again. ONE night we didnt use the withdrawal method and I KNEW that 1 night we had conceived…. I could tell you Mother’s Day weekend I was pregnant even though the test said negative. By the next day, sure enough, I took another test and it was positive. Being that the timing may not have looked appropriate to some, we chose to keep it between us but went about the normal Dr. calls. The week before my scheduled appt with the nurse, I had spotting. Spotting that may or may not have been considered ‘normal’ at the time, but we were sent for an early u/s. During the u/s we were pleasantly surprised to find a heartbeat. BUT the heartbeat was slower than normal and the baby was only measuring around 6 wks despite, as I previously stated, I KNEW I should be about 7. The Dr. said he didn’t want to be a worrywart, didn’t do an internal exam and said there was no need for concern at this point. I kept my scheduled appts. We went in the next week to see the nurse for the usual background paperwork and then for the sched u/s and exam the next week. Unfortunately, while I saw the baby and my hubbers joked about twins, I instantly realized there was no heartbeat and the tech was not finding one. We were taken to an exam room where we sat, what seemed like forever, until the doc came in and explained I had had a missed miscarriage and the option was mine of how to proceed. Long story short, for the hope of conceiving in the future, I chose to let nature run its course if it would. I walked around another 3 wks with a dead fetus in my womb. I went through spotting and severe bleeding and cramping and complication during the severe bleeding (that I felt no one cared and understood about) but “I did it myself” (woohoo! – sarcasm but seemingly a triumph according to the dr.) We had our final u/s this past wed. and found out that it’s complete. We can try again whenever we want. I don’t know how to feel about all this. It still feels like a whirlwind. But i’m dealing. This past week, getting through the weakness of what I had put my body through and seeing that empty u/s helped finalize things And now its time to move on and figure out where to go from here. All the hubbs can think about is getting in the sack again, and all I can think about is I don’t think my body or mind is ready for any of it again. And that’s the first acknowledgement I’ve made of that. I’m still sad. I’m stronger but sad.

    Sorry this all got winded but thats my story… i’m glad to tell it if it will help others heal.. im glad i took the route i did but i want any woman who has the choice to know it is not for the faint of heart and it does take a toll on the body…. a great choice if you believe in the power of God and him completing what he started but BRACE yourself physically and emotionally!!

    I’m sorry for the losses everyone has experienced… may God be with you to continue the healing and may God look over all our babies that he has chosen to be by his side!!!

    • July 23, 2011 11:19 am

      Kelli – I am sorry you had yo experience a miscarriage. Thank you for sharing your story. You are a very strong woman to make the decision you did. I will continue to pray for healing for you.

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